


Thor or Valkyrie? Both!

by TooManyFandomsToBeSane



Category: ENHYPEN (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Enhypen watch Thor Ragnarok, JayWon fluff bc yeah I can never resist, LOTS of internalized biphobia, definitely, is this me self projecting on bi Jay, it gets cute tho, its honestly not angsty just a lot of depth in thought, rated T for lots of internalized biphobic thoughts bc that shit hurts, side HeeJay, side JayWon, the only change is bi Jay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:40:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29207490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooManyFandomsToBeSane/pseuds/TooManyFandomsToBeSane
Summary: Jay is bi, and that's all that it should be, right? Wrong! He suffers from internalized biphobia, and it crushes him mentally and emotionally. He knows, however, that his members will love and support him no matter what.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31





	Thor or Valkyrie? Both!

**Author's Note:**

> I veered left from my original style of writing to create this. I came up with the idea in the middle of a math test lmao bc that's what my lovely brain offered me instead of the math answers. Enjoy, my lovely Engenes!

Reasonably, he knows that it should be fine. He likes boys and girls, what more is there to it?

According to Jay’s brain, there’s actually a lot. 

Sometimes he feels good about his sexuality, confident with it even, _heck yeah I’m bi and I’m proud!_

But mostly, especially now, he feels crushed by the weight of it. _Why me? Why can’t I be normal like other guys? I mean, sure, I like girls! But I also like boys. Why is this so hard to accept?_

Jay’s never dated or kissed another guy but, for that matter, had never done that with a girl either (as all of eggies and I-Landers are well aware of the latter). He has had plenty of crushes on both genders, but does that validate a bisexual? What is validation supposed to feel like?

Subconsciously, after his discovery a few years ago, Jay slowly put up a wall. He grew afraid that casual skinship would lead his friends to find out, to call him gay when he wasn’t even gay (he firmly stands by the fact that bisexuality was an identity of its own). He didn’t want to hurt his friends when the time came around to his coming out, them thinking, “Was he secretly flirting with me?” It would only cause pain. Being touch-starved could be shouldered if it meant protecting him and others. Even seeing Sunoo and Ni-Ki attached at the hip made his heart hurt, knowing that he didn’t have the confidence for casualness. Obviously, he was close with his members, but he only showed small amounts of touches. A handshake, maybe, or a pat on the back. There are a few exceptions, but more on that topic later.

And then there was the matter of his job: he’s an idol, and if his sexuality were ever leaked, it could quite possibly ruin his career as well as his members’ success. The industry was brutal, and it was difficult enough being a straight idol, much less a closeted one. The unfairness brought rage, but the idea of being outed petrified him.

Jay was out to exactly one person: himself. He wasn’t ready to tell anyone yet; he still needed to straighten some things out first (metaphorically, of course).

The word “biphobia” stuck with Jay as soon as he discovered its meaning. The more he thought about how it affected him, internally, the more he realized its effect on bisexuals. Many accepted the gays in this hetero-centric world, but liking two genders? That’s just selfish and weird.

Now he was pissed at Chris Pratt for being his gay awakening celebrity crush. Well, not really. No one could ever resist Chris Pratt.

Staring up at the bunk mattress above him, Jay let the depressing thoughts overpower him once again. He told the others that he was going to sleep, and that was the original plan, but his internalized biphobia apparently had other ideas. 

He didn’t realize how long he was mentally and emotionally tearing himself apart until Jungwon walked into the bedroom.

“Hyung? I thought you would be asleep by now.”

He sighed. “Me too, Wonie. Maybe I’m just excited for tomorrow’s schedule?”

“I bet it’s because your favorite dongsaeng wasn’t cuddling you,” said Jungwon as he ducked into Jay’s bunk.

“Yah, I don’t play favorites, you know this!” Jay found it hard to not laugh while saying this; Wonie was the one he was obviously closest with.

“Whatever, hyungie, just let me cuddle you.”

How could he say no to that?

Jungwon was, quite possibly, one of the only exceptions to his skinship rule. Well, it wasn’t much of a rule and more of a worry, an ingrained and probably self-toxic habit. Nonetheless, hugging, holding hands with, and otherwise touching his leader felt safe and normal. It was comfortable and made his troubles irrelevant.

He considered telling at least one of his members about him being bi, especially Jungwon, but he felt too vulnerable for that yet. He knows that Enhypen will still support and love him no matter what, and he appreciates his brothers for that, but coming out feels suffocating no matter who it’s to or how accepting they’ll be.

Now hugging his Wonie to his chest, Jay let go of the thoughts and fell asleep in a much more relaxed state. Sometimes, Jungwon knew exactly what his hyung needed, even if it were on a subconscious level. Jay was grateful for it.

*********************************************************************************************************************************

The next day was a bit better regarding his thoughts. They don’t usually come as heavy as they did last night, rather eating away in the back of his mind as he actively tried to ignore it. 

Jay woke up (begrudgingly), went to school, and practiced at work before he was allowed to relax in the dorm. Sitting on the couch, post-shower, he watched as Jake chose a show for them to enjoy. Thankfully, today’s selection was liked by the general population of the guys; movie time usually ended in chaos because of their different styles. 

Heeseung walked in and plopped down next to Jay. “Oh, Thor: Ragnarok? Sweet! I’m always down for Marvel.”

Yeah, shit. Thor, Loki, and Valkyrie on screen all at the same time? Jay’s poor little bi heart’s gonna explode, and his lungs are going to bust at the film’s humor. At least he’s having fun?

This movie, despite having been claimed by bisexuals for obvious reasons, doesn’t spawn negative thoughts regarding his sexuality at all. It feels comfortable, in a way, to watch this particular film without his anxieties (while ogling fictional characters and their respective actors); it almost makes him feel confident in the bi aspect of himself. So confident, in fact, that when his hyung put an arm around Jay’s shoulders, he actively leaned into the touch, letting his wall crumble ever so slightly. Heeseungie hyung was sort of his second go-to regarding skinship comforts, not being as paranoid with him as other people. Maybe it had to do with the closeness of their friendship.

When he contemplated telling his members, he considered coming out to Heeseung first because he trusts him so much. However, not only was Jay not ready, but Heeseung has so many worries of his own that Jay didn’t want to stress him out further. Keeping a secret that big from the group is strenuous for the bi man himself, and he didn’t want to burden his hyung in any way. A day will come, though, when he’ll confide in his group members in a much more untroubled mindset.

Jay pushed up his glasses just as Hela started giving the Asgard troops an ass-kicking, to which Ni-Ki yelled, “Get ‘em!!” All the hyungs burst out laughing at their adorable maknae’s passionate but most likely accidental reaction, judging from his red ears. 

The rest of the movie went smoothly, except for when Stan Lee popped up on the screen, to which the boys screamed in salutation (Heeseung’s biggest flex on his members was having the same last name as the legend himself, and he made sure his dongsaengs were well aware). Sure, there were a couple of gay panics here and there, and definitely at least one set of heart eyes for Valkyrie, but that’s all part of the fun. Jay feels great, the movie definitely lifted the mood in the Enhypen dorms, and they were having pizza for dinner. This is happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> This took so much effort to write istg. I wanted to do the bisexuals justice, so please be gentle! I hope you enjoyed the fic, and comments are always welcome!


End file.
